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Sexual Health & Intimacy

Talking About Sex

Heather Hoffmann, PhD

Pop quiz! Before you read this article, complete the following sentences:

1. Men and boys have a penis whereas women and girls have (a) _______.

2. I would say I had sex with someone if I _______ (eg, kissed them, touched their genitals, had oral contact with their genitals, had intercourse with them).

Question 1

There is no clear, correct answer to this question. Although some may argue that the comparison with the male is the difficult part, even the direct query of how one refers to female external genitalia does not yield obvious answers. Terms used to refer to female sexual anatomy, particularly women’s external genitalia, are often imprecise and inconsistent. People seem to have less difficulty labeling the parts of female anatomy that are internal and/or have mainly reproductive functions (eg, ovaries, uterus, fallopian tubes). Interestingly, the opposite may be true for men. Penis is quite commonly used and understood while epididymus and seminal vesicles are not. A study assessing children’s knowledge of genital labels found that, while 40% of the boys and 30% of the girls knew the correct names for male anatomy as children, only 18% of the boys and 6% of the girls knew the correct technical terms for female structures.¹ Most children learned either euphemisms or no names at all for female genitalia. Further, girls did not acquire a full vocabulary for addressing their genitalia until they were 16 years old.

Possible answers to question 1 include the following:

• Vagina.—While the vagina is the analogous structure to the penis in an intercourse situation, it is not homologous to the penis, meaning it does not derive from the same tissue during embryonic development. Further, the only part of the vagina that is partially visible from the outside is the opening known as the introitus, which, at least early in life in many women, is covered by the hymen.
  
• Clitoris.—The clitoris is homologous to the penis. It has a similar structure (ie, glans head and shaft) and even though the urethra does not run through it, it functions like a penis in that it is highly sensitive to touch, it becomes engorged (but not rigid) during sexual arousal, and clitoral stimulation yields pleasurable sensations. However, many people are unsure how to pronounce the term (either KLIT-uh-rus or kli-TORE-us is correct) let alone feel comfortable using it in conversation.
  
• Vulva.—Another potentially correct, but lesser known, label is vulva, which means wrapping or covering and is often used as a collective term for female external genitalia. However, some regard its pronunciation as unpleasant.
  
• Private parts.—Although slang terms have the potential to provide a more diverse vocabulary with which to talk about sex, female genital slang (FGT) seems to further confuse (see below).
  
• Breasts.—This is probably the most acceptable term for people to say and even colloquial labels for breasts, unlike FGT, are more humorous and less negative. Some may argue that breasts are not appropriately comparable to the penis, but in many settings, they seem more synonymous with female sexuality than women’s genitalia.

A recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research² found that of 49 common FGTs, only 15 of them did most agree on their meaning and only on 2 (clit and beard) was there 100% agreement. No one is quite sure to what a particular FGT refers. Is it the vagina? Is it the vulva? Even the users are not sure. Many respondents claimed they guessed about a term’s meaning and even if they said they were quite sure of the connotation, there was still a lack of agreement across participants. Further, FGTs were of a different type than male genital slang (MGTs). They were more often euphemisms (eg, private parts, down there) or terms of abjection or disgust, whereas MGTs were more often terms of personification (eg, Dick, John Thomas, Peter). The elusiveness and derogatory nature of FGT seem to exacerbate communication problems.

Why is our vocabulary so unclear? On one level the disparity in this sexual vocabulary has to do with actual or physical visibility. On another level it has to do with insufficient acknowledgement of female sexuality above and beyond reproductive function. While a vague vocabulary adds an air of mystery to female sexuality, it can also lead to a lack of understanding and acceptance of women as sexual beings.

Question 2

People disagree about what constitutes a sexual activity. A 1999 study from the Kinsey Institute published in Journal of the American Medical Association³ revealed that while almost 100% of the respondents agreed that penile-vaginal intercourse was sex, only 80% considered penile-anal intercourse to be sex. Agreement was considerably less for all other activities, eg, 40% indicated that oral contact with genitals constituted sex, and 14% said that touching genitals would be sex. A few (2%) thought deep kissing constituted sex. A more recent study⁴ using gay and bisexual women and men revealed somewhat different results. Almost all said that penile-vaginal and penile-anal intercourse was sex; 89% considered oral sex to be sex; and 61% believed that if someone touches your genitals and/or you touch theirs that you have had sex. Eight percent believed deep kissing was sex. Since the definition of sex is variable, it follows that the definition of virginity and fidelity are also variable. Miscommunication on these issues could have relationship and health-related consequences.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Research indicates that we don’t have shared meaning for many sexual terms. This may be a relief for some, as it should make us less embarrassed to acknowledge that we are unsure of the meaning of a word or that we had a different definition for it. But it also indicates that we should not assume that others, whether they are our partners or our doctors, know what we mean when we are talking about sex. We need to attempt to be more precise and we need to talk more about sexuality to clarify our thoughts and problems.

REFERENCES

1. 1. Gartrell N, Mosbacher D. Sex differences in the naming of children’s genitalia. Sex Roles. (1984);10,869-876.
2. Braun V, Kitzinger C. “Snatch,” “hole,” or “honeypot”? Semantic categories and the problem of nonspecificity in female genital slang. J Sex Res. 2001;38 (2):146-158.
3. Sanders SA, Reinisch JM. Would you say you “had sex” if…? JAMA. 1999;281 (3):275-277.
4. Mustanksi BS. Semantic heterogeneity in the definition of “having sex” for homosexuals. 2002. Submitted for publication.

Heather Hoffman, PhD, is associate professor of psychology, Knox College, Galesburg, Illinois.

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